Hello.

Harrison's about to pick me up to go to a dinner with Tu, Philip, Beatrice, and Harrison. I don't feel like eating. I think the coffee I drank earlier is making me jittery. I feel cold. I just went back and read Mai and Wenni's conversation they had last night while I was trying to sleep (I had a hard time sleeping last night).

I don't feel like hanging out with people right now. I should probalby go bakc and read my old entries and the summer logs of Wenni and I and see what went wrong. I feel tired. I just make Wenni feel crappy. I feel like any relationship I have is not going to work out.

Today my brother called and asked what time it was because he was waiting to get out. All he's been eating has been pb&j sandwiches for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. When he asked what time it was, I couldn't help crying. Hopefully I'll get to see him tomorrow. Okay stop Olivia. Stop crying. Wahhhh.

I LIKE MY LIFE.

Man. Today Wenni had a final at 8am and I couldn't go back to sleep so I decided to stay awake to studies and stuffs. OH MAN. The sky is beautiful and this world is beautiful and and and it's so sunny and and the clouds are oh so so pretty and the birds are out and and I'm doing laundry! <3

It's quite peaceful too, with the townhouse asleep! (Like Wenni said when she stayed up all night doing her paper! Except uh in the daytime for me) Man I should get up early more often. So beautifulllllllllllllllllll.

Oh oh. Hm. I've gotten better at not crying! Like my Kindergarden-ie teacher told me, there are more important things to cry about! Besides my life is wonderfullzzzz. Last night, Wenni told me that she does think we'll be together for a while and I almost cried <3

*THUMBS UP*

Oh I forgot to say. Helen is one of the few people that Wenni can actually enjoy having a talk with (unlike me, who is just a wall? and if I'm not being a wall, I say something that she thinks is really stupid and angers her). (Be still my heart. Distance. Distance.) How can I restrict that? Besides, who am I anyway?

Oh. About belittling. When someone belittles your problems, they are probably doing it because they feel your problems are not important/distressing as other problems. So maybe I should not take offense to it. Because let's face it. My problems are insignificant. I know nothing of pain. Crying because of such small issues is a slap to someone's face who really has been through stuff.

Anyways. Still feel irked out by belittling.

I think I like to do the dishes when I'm in a bad mood (not to say that everytime I'm doing the dishes, I'm in a bad mood). It's like so I can take my upsetness out on the dishes! o_o

Anyways, today's session was spent brooding over my jealousy again. I really do have issues with jealousy. I should probably notify any person I'm with of this. I used to think think I have a problem with attachment. Wait... I probably still have that too. But in this case, it's not really a problem I guess... Wait. Maybe that's not true either.

Anyway. I'm sick of being upset. I think my problem is that I'm not thinking about my issues. Thinking helps me distance myself from the problem and not only that, it helps me avoid the same problems again in the future. Not only that, I'm sick of crying. Crying will get my nowhere, plus I don't really feel better, it just makes it worse. And besides if I cry so much, it won't mean anything anymore, right? I don't really want that. Also it helps me get lost in my emotions... And I'm tired of that.

So I thought... What's the point of getting attached to this relationship? We obviously won't work out. No point in holding on to hope. I don't really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, right? Besides, I can't be happy if we're both not happy and I obviously can't make her happy, not with all my faults that I have issues correcting. There are other people who are more fun to talk to, more fun in bed, more attractive (than me). I think I need to detach myself from this. I don't have to care about staying together this much. I don't really need sex anyway. I think I only feel the need to have sex if I'm with someone. (I'm rambling)

Lastly, even if this is the case, I still feel like I want to correct my faults.

Just thought I'd update before I forget.

Turns out what was so clear was this: That I was automatically associating "being sad" to "breaking up," something that one learns from movies and chick flicks. It does not necessarily have to be that way. In the same way, a person (perhaps me) associates certain attributes from chick flicks/movies to "relationships" in general: monogamy, jealousy, "love", etc... But that is definitely not always the case. Every relationship is different and every relationship should have it's own definition, rather than these tags that come in a box that chick flicks/movies give us. Is what Wenni thought was so clear and told me later (the next day).

I still need to think about whether or not I do this. Maybe after finals. (although somehow I doubt my jealousy issues are derived from uh the media) Man. I really want to play FF8 but I really really need to try to study. @_@;;

Also: I forgot that I need to think about arguments after an argument, rather than during! My brain does not work so fast @_@;;

PPS: I like Wenni! <3

PPPS: Too bad she doesn't like talking to me and it's not good in bed for her. ... ... Yeahh... We don't really have anything going for us... That much is clear... It'll be clearer over the winter break when she goes to China and hang out with Helen... sigh... Man I gotta keep my jealousy in check @_@;;